And another thing....

I have been thinking long and hard this morning now that the tears and self destructive thoughts are out of the way. I weighed in last monday at 76 and this morning i was 76.1 so even though it was a gain of 1.3 from saturday morning - that is NOT my weigh in day and things change every single day of the week, I had a massive blowout and the scales only gave me 100grams extra this morning, talk about a get out of jail free card!!

As a result I have decided to quit the mid week regular weigh ins and stick to my mondays only. with one exception, This Friday/ Im not checking tomorrow to see if ive got rid of sundays blow out ill work hard and wait until friday morning before I go get my dress.

Then its mondays only and no exceptions!

Ive had a revelation today that the whole scales thing plays a horrible mind game and thats what started last nights spac attack. I have told people this before but until it plays with your own mind its time to wake up!

The thing is weigh ins can become a vicious circle, i weighed in saturday (when i promised i wouldnt) and it let down my guard for saturday and sunday where (i worked out this morning my points tallys were 45 and 57 - that is disgusting) no wonder i was so overweight to begin with.

Then on sunday i STUPIDLY got on the scales tanked up with all the food id eaten, what was i going for - biggest gainer!? and fully clothed to prove myself a point - how disgusting i was. what was i playing at, trying to destroy myself? that sent me into tears and self destruction,

I even thought about the idea of making myself sick to make myself better - what the? what is that all about, I know that I would never have done that and im so far beyond that part of my life when i was sick like that but why even let that enter my head again....? I realised that something has to change. this whole journey has been about making changes, and ive still got a really big hurdle to get past, sundays at the moment! and i know there will be so much more down the track, but one thing at a time.

So I sat down today set my plan for the week and im going to beat this, sundays! and its not even saturday nights anymore, ive got them sorted, and its not even the hangovers sundays that are the killers because i havent had a hang over for the last two weeks and they have been my two worst blowouts in ages.. this maintenance thing was never going to be easy but its like im making a mokery of it at the moment!

So im all planned, slowly back into the land of the sanity and im keen for a walk and run (if my back permits) tonight. and then the main thing is conquering this sunday which ive planned for, a bacon and egg mcmuffin and oj for breaky, subway for lunch and a homemade baked spud for tea. all very satisfying and all with in my points so that i dont look elsewhere for satisfaction sunday. im also going to try and push myself out into the fresh air for a walk, easier said than done after what will be a huge day/night with the girls saturday, but i know ill feel better for it. i might even post my before picture on the fridge when i get home to send the message home (to my sunday brain that is)

I sent a similar email to my friends caz and shez today so I thought id post my scales revelation on here as well incase theres any one else crashing at the same point at the moment and for myself to reflect on. writing things down can clear up my head space at times so thank you for listening.